What's going well?
I confess my initial thought was nothing is going well. I have done very little work on my diploma since my last tutorial in April, and I've been feeling quite negative about it. However, some projects are proceeding (even if the designs themselves aren't being written up), and in the last couple of weeks, I've had a small flurry of activity. So, here are some things that are going reasonably well.
House
We are planning to move house. This is taking up the bulk of my non-work time. We have made so much progress, and have settled more into a routine of working together (although we still find it challenging to work on projects in the same room...). We set a deadline of the end of September for the house to be ready for sale, and made a huge list of all the jobs that need doing. We might not make our deadline, but we at least have a good idea of what we need to do.
I started a new job in January and I love it. I love the variety of activities, the control I have over my own time, and the flexibility. Last week a colleague and I booked into a youth hostel for our own little writing retreat, and spent three days working in the sunshine, and enjoying cooking and walking in the evenings. There aren't many jobs where you can disappear for several days with no permission, and I feel immensely trusted and privileged. Changing job has made an enormous difference to my mental wellbeing.
Peer support
I am part of a small peer support email group, which has tailed off somewhat in recent months. We planned to each send an email (with no expectation of a response) to the group each Thursday evening, but for several weeks nobody sent one at all. I have recently started sending an email each Thursday whether anyone else does or not, and I'm finding that not wanting to write 'I've done nothing again this week' helps me to focus and even just take small actions.
Making decisions and taking small actions
I have two collaborative projects which are weighing me down with guilt. One is our research project, started months ago, and another is the design of a garden for a friend of a fellow apprentice, which we did the observation work for, but I have done nothing since. Last week I put aside half a day and finished my work on the report for the research project, and sent it to my collaborator. It's not finished yet, but it's off my desk for now, and the sense of relief is great. I've also sent an email to my other collaborator, apologising for my neglect, telling her the commitment I can make right now, and offering to pull out of the project if she thinks it's appropriate.
What's challenging?
House
Yes, I know I had this in the last section too. But despite making progress, it's been much slower than I'd hoped, and we're both finding living in chaos very challenging. There isn't a room in the house that's free of decorating stuff, and normal housework (hoovering, washing clothes) is almost impossible at times.
Guilt
I feel an incredible sense of guilt about not working on my diploma as much as I'd like. Some of this is about specific things, like not contacting collaborators about joint projects, and I've addressed those specific things now. But the rest is more of a general guilt, a feeling that I should have finished by now. At the start of my diploma I planned to finish within two years, which I've now gone over (with no sign of finishing soon), and I can't help but feel a slight sense of failure. I'm not sure what the purpose of my diploma is any more, and I'm not sure whether my designs fit together as a coherent whole (or even if they need to).
Long term vision
At the minute, my vision for the diploma is tied in with my vision for our new house. We've looked at so many houses online over the last 18 months, and we've got a good idea of what we want - space for chickens and food growing, a workshop, a music room. I've started to think about future diploma projects relating to this:
- developing my skills in food growing
- a nature diary/year long observation, perhaps combined with a daily walk around our new local area
- preserving and storing food
Next achievable steps
My next steps revolve around creating order - in the house, my mental wellbeing, and my diploma designs themselves.
- Continue working through our master list of house tasks
- Draft design write up for research project (I can do this on my own - the collaborative work is a report for the Permaculture Association but we will each write something separate for our own diploma portfolios)
- Finish write up of garden design - take current photographs, action plan of new vision (getting ready to sell)
- Update of action learning pathway and list of projects
- Update of zone 00 design
It's interesting to see how much of this is similar to when I answered the four questions in April. This suggests a pattern, and not necessarily a positive one. I never did revisit my zone 00 design, so I'm going to do that now and see what I can do to make things seem slightly less overwhelming.